Apple of my eye.

Peanut is now about 10, 10 and a half pounds, and isn’t quite as easy to cradle her in my arms as it once was. When she was a six- or seven-pounder, I would hold her close and wrap her tightly in this marled grey sweater that I wear around the house.

The other day I was trying to get her to sleep; she’s quite squirmy now and wriggles a lot before nodding off. Just as her eyelids began to droop, I pulled the sweater around her and started rocking her slowly. I thought I detected a small smile (becoming more frequent these days), and it gave me a chuckle.

As her breathing became more rhythmic, I sang “You are my sunshine” softly to her as I swayed. You know the words, right?

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

When I got to “You never know, dear, how much I love you,” her eyes popped open. Then she looked up at me and gave me the biggest, babiest toothless grin I’ve ever seen from her.

Well.

You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so surprised. She was the cutest thing and her joy seemed so pure, so… real. And it made me cry. Tears of happiness, mind you..but it was such a sweet moment, I could barely keep my voice from cracking as I finished the song. In fact, I sang it two more times, and twice more she gave me the same open-mouthed smile at the same line.

I haven’t really taken to motherhood the way some women do, nor have I enjoyed the physical changes, but that moment with my girl made everything – and I do mean EVERYTHING – that I’ve been through up until that point so very worth it.

Thanks, Peanut.

Mama loves you.